Trust Rituals

Trust Rituals
(NaPoWriMo, Day 17)

I begin:
"How do you suppose
Of all the girls in all the world
Our luck was so great to get the best?
To get you?"

But she curls her slim fist
squeeze tight around my fat finger,
Then slack.
Both of us under queen-sized
Blankets, her eyes glazed open
then drow low before I can finish.

I stop. She stirs, snores.
And I know for this moment that all was done right for today.

(c) Julie Bartha-Vasquez, 2013

Notes on the Poem:

This is a rough draft. It's definitely heartfelt. I'm heading in a direction. But from a writing POV, my initial feeling is that the overall tone is too Hallmark. This is one of those times when I wish I could be in a writing workshop. I know its not working, but can't put my finger on where to start fixing it. I had originally written it in a Tanka format, but it wasn't working as a Tanka. So it needs another kind of form, But on a personal note, it was just a nice small moment I was trying to capture in simple words, without getting treacly. I don't think I succeeded, but it's a start.

And now I'm all caught up. Rough week. Better Days ahead. Don't believe me, ask Dar Williams. Or the Kinks if you're a hardcore originalist. --WNG